she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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