So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
