Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
