i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
