i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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