You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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