just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
