when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
