Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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