I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
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