ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
