Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
