listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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