just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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