Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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