You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
