Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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