I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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