I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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