i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
