Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
sarcasm needs its own font
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
