Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
