I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
