So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
