i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
