Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
