i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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