the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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