If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
