i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
