Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
