remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
