i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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