if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
