Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
