I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
