we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
