This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
