I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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