Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just want to make out with him forever
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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