The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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