Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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