i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
