Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
