Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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