we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
