I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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