just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
