When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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