I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
