seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
