So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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