I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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