god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
