Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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