My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
