Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
